If you have met with a therapist for relationship counselling, you may have heard them refer to “the cycle.” If you have not yet begun couples therapy, this will be a term you hear often when working with an Emotionally Focused Therapist. Your pattern, cycle, dance, whatever it may be, is the thing that is keeping you and your partner stuck, as it goes around and around. Have you ever felt as though you are having the same argument over and over? That’s what it feels like to have a negative cycle take over your relationship, leaving you to wonder if your relationship will last. One of the roles an EFT therapist has is to better understand the cycle that takes place, so they can support you and your partner in cultivating a new one—whether you stay together, end the relationship, or begin a new relationship of co-parenting, changing the communication pattern with your partner can have a positive impact on your connection with one another.
So, what can you do? First, start to notice the cycle. If you were a fly on the wall witnessing tension between you and your partner, what would you see? What are the moves that are keeping you both cemented into your roles in this dynamic? Second, start to blame the cycle. This is crucial to the process and where a lot of couples can get stuck since blame has been directed at their partner for so long. When you start to see the cycle and the challenges that come your way as the problem, rather than your partner, you become a team and when you become a team, a new cycle has the opportunity to take root, creating a safe place for the both of you. Third, change your role in the cycle. You cannot control or change your partner, but you can change your moves in the cycle, which will naturally influence the old patterns to change their course.
It is important to know that there is no way to remove conflict from relationships, but there is a way to move through conflict in a way that benefits your relationship. When there is acceptance around this fact paired with a new, positive cycle, where you and your partner turn towards each other rather than pull away, your relationship can be a safe place to land when things get tough.
If you want to better understand the cycle that is keeping your relationship stuck, we would love to come alongside you in this journey through the therapeutic process. You can find our availability on our booking website, just click the “Book an Appointment” button to find the best fit for you and your relationship.
